Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.