Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
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[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.