there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
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Never forget.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest