No, YOUR illiterate.
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Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Social distancing in Australia:
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman