My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ