I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
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I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream