my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
*looks at you in batman voice*
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.