I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
You Might Also Like
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently