*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My what?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*