Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: