me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
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*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.