“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
yeet
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.