God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein