I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I beg your pardon?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I think this cat is broken
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”