If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Monday Lisa
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.