I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
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Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness