Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.