My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Yes, but it was never about money
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.