SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Me trying to reach for my goals
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.