Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this