*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
You Might Also Like
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
selfie game
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Lmfaoooooo
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.