2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
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Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”