Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
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What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.