I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
You Might Also Like
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment