*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
LOAN OFFICER: I鈥檓 just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
All I鈥檓 saying is when I鈥檓 drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Can鈥檛 believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
meow
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications