My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*updates tinder bio*
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now