Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
You Might Also Like
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.