Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
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I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck