“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Nothing.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
the rocks need my help