PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
who named him groot and not spruce lee
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Perfect
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before