Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart