Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
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Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.