Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
You Might Also Like
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end