My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
You Might Also Like
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…