that colleague who touches your screen
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There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else