Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?