The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
You Might Also Like
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.