Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
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self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.