If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
You Might Also Like
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.