TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
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as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
#SCOTUS one-star review
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.