“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
You Might Also Like
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Taliband
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.