The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.