Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The first one, obviously
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me