Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Smells like a challenge to me
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.