To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Terribly Tuesday.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*