Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian