eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me