It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Always the camel, never the toe.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
If snakes were wide
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.