I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.