If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*orders delivery*
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up